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calvin brain hopping out
 ugh, how i long to turn off how i feel. For a long time Reall long time i was avoiding love, real love and just using men as dildos and friendshp.
 i felt the yern to find someone and was even using  my lover at the moment to help me do magic to find that person who would love me and I love him and he solve my home problems.
 Wasnt that a dream a dream come true, i hate how i get everything i want, anything i invision i can make come real, but so what. How sad life is,
 I am trying to used my sadness as creative push but i am sad that my friend who left me is Ill, and hurt, and had  been trying to fix his volkswagon so he could live in and be closer to me, I am sad as i am unsure what to think. i wish he'd come home to me, But he doesnt feel this place as home.
 He wants my mom to say sorry to him. She doesnt even understand why she should say sorry.
 Same old stupid bullshit on her behalf of greed. 
 i am stupid and am still takng care of my mom.
 her lfe goals and moving to spain, bulding a house there  doing that.
 i am unsure what to do. i have to help her.


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