life is what it is....
calvin brain hopping out
Sooo.... well why did i decide to do this again? well i am alone finally again, Yes i have my life organized and finally  i have at my finger tips the ability to create art, music, when ever i chose,  can listen to vinyl, record it, mash it.. i can really now a days do anything i want even with video also.
 i am trying to get that part of the studio working better.
 i need more self motivation

calvin brain hopping out
 ugh, how i long to turn off how i feel. For a long time Reall long time i was avoiding love, real love and just using men as dildos and friendshp.
 i felt the yern to find someone and was even using  my lover at the moment to help me do magic to find that person who would love me and I love him and he solve my home problems.
 Wasnt that a dream a dream come true, i hate how i get everything i want, anything i invision i can make come real, but so what. How sad life is,
 I am trying to used my sadness as creative push but i am sad that my friend who left me is Ill, and hurt, and had  been trying to fix his volkswagon so he could live in and be closer to me, I am sad as i am unsure what to think. i wish he'd come home to me, But he doesnt feel this place as home.
 He wants my mom to say sorry to him. She doesnt even understand why she should say sorry.
 Same old stupid bullshit on her behalf of greed. 
 i am stupid and am still takng care of my mom.
 her lfe goals and moving to spain, bulding a house there  doing that.
 i am unsure what to do. i have to help her.

Things i want to say to Penz but......
calvin brain hopping out

 I know your Feeling Sick cause at least you've told me that much, I Sure do miss you very much, I hope you get better with the medication the doctors perscribed you. I wish i could be close to you, I guess in a few days i will be. I've been working hella over time on making more wine out of my moms grapes in the back yard and also some apples and plums that were still laying around, I have 2 more 5 gals going, and i have a whole 5 gals of wine we made already that i am planning on bringing to you, Hopefully it is yum. to you, I am not much on wine, Lol. ill bring you also some of the spirit i made from the yeast that was left over. i miss you so much, Ive been trying to work on my mom, She isnt against you coming and visiting < i told her i wont allow you to work on shit but art and music if you ever do come around here again, since shes saying you said over and over again you didnt want payment for helping, I am mad at her for being so full of shit. She still refuses to help jeremy also, I told her IF she doesnt wise up I will move away. WEll SHe fucken is chilling out I am in her house working on pressure cooking loads of grain again. I miss you so much. i wanted to geta place but i am so lonely and a real scardy cat. Neglect if a form of a buse and I just am not an abusive person. I promised my father i'd take care of her, why the fuck did i have a kid for her, if i want to just now leave. I want you to be a part of my family and i Hope she hasnt disasuded you, You know i love you, i am just So alone. and i cant trust my brother.

 the other day i came over and he was yelling at her because she got him a cell fone. He wants to now go to some other company cause they will give him credit on his own now all of a sudden. I was just scared of him and quiet i didnt know what to do. he was like a dog yelling at her at the top of his lungs. I got ashamed of myself cause of how her and i fight. But this had no reason at all. it was out of the blue.
 and then  the next day he sends me this text message...

show details 11:28 AM (12 hours ago)
Sis i know i dont talk to you but i feel like catching a violation an going on a long vaction things are easier in there only thing that holds me back is my son i wanted to get high last night maybey i dont fucken know sorry to bother you

 well then i well go up to his house and talk to him until he feels a little different, really i just remind him he can be a drug addicted fuck head again once he actually gets off probation.
  wow People are MOody. ME Too actually.
 I  was Overwhelmed with doing alot of work today I woke up early to put mikey on the Bus, feed my Horse and geeses and puppys, 
 OOH my puppys are HUge they need homes HELLA yo.
  SO when i leave to seattle i am also going to try and take some of them to sell.
 wish me luck

sO something completely different....
calvin brain hopping out
my art project music film studio Thing called the 23 Chamber dada was in the newspaper!
i am stoked.....

here is the article

when i find my camera i will post photos and films of the actual event!


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